If I’m being honest, life hasn’t been the best to me this year. Yes, people experience all kinds of hardships everyday and I’m not unique in that aspect but, sometimes I wonder if my depression is really just.. “depression”. I’ve been on medication for close to a year now and it’s been helping. I’ve gone to a couple of therapy sessions to let go of the pent up sadness and anger and everything nasty but it just seems to get worse. I thought I was doing better then school started. I had a boyfriend, and the breakup happened. To make it all worse I did work with him and had to see him for the most part of the week. I thought I could save it. I did everything stupid but I never got any closure so because of pure desperation I started to cut myself. I took 8 tylenols to numb the pain and so I could interact with people and “function” properly. It is complete crap of course and I shouldn’t have done that.
I talked to my co workers, especially the ones I considered to be my big sisters. They told me, my depression is not a thing, I’m just making it up and I just need a change in perspective. Their lives are shitty too but since they’re not 20 and not immature and a “weak, piece of shit” they can handle life. They said that in a nice, caring way of course so I know it’s for my benefit (of course). I should just forget about the ex because he’s a piece of shit anyways, ‘like every other guy’. They didn’t care that I dated him for over a year, that I knew all about his life more than them, that we broke up not over another girl but simply because life wasn’t being too nice to him too. So yes, maybe I just hurt myself to look for attention. I need to find the maturity somehow so I stop being weak and pathetic.
I’m just ranting right now because honestly I don’t get why people treat mental illness like it’s an illusion. They didn’t even take me seriously when I said I wanted to kill myself. When I told them I got help and will be seeing a therapist, they laughed at me telling me how much of a waste of time psychologists are and how I just need a great friend and my family to be able to feel better. That my medications are actually making me more insane. It’s sad and if I am feeling normal I would feel sad for the way they think but it just makes me feel more of a failure than I already am. I just quit that job and have a new one now and I finally found closure with the breakup. I’m not healed yet but in a way I feel better. I’m gonna get help. I’m doing my best not to hurt myself anymore. I just wish with this next chapter in my life I encounter people who doesn’t stigmatize mental health and instead, tries to learn more about it and help raise awareness.
At the end of the day I know what I feel and I know that this sadness is not something that I can rationalize myself and make it go away. Maybe tomorrow I’m gonna wake up better but before that, I pray that those people will open their minds and not dismiss anyone with this problem.