“Depression”

If I’m being honest, life hasn’t been the best to me this year. Yes, people experience all kinds of hardships everyday and I’m not unique in that aspect but, sometimes I wonder if my depression is really just.. “depression”. I’ve been on medication for close to a year now and it’s been helping. I’ve gone to a couple of therapy sessions to let go of the pent up sadness and anger and everything nasty but it just seems to get worse. I thought I was doing better then school started. I had a boyfriend, and the breakup happened. To make it all worse I did work with him and had to see him for the most part of the week. I thought I could save it. I did everything stupid but I never got any closure so because of pure desperation I started to cut myself. I took 8 tylenols to numb the pain and so I could interact with people and “function” properly. It is complete crap of course and I shouldn’t have done that. 

I talked to my co workers, especially the ones I considered to be my big sisters. They told me, my depression is not a thing, I’m just making it up and I just need a change in perspective. Their lives are shitty too but since they’re not 20 and not immature and a “weak, piece of shit” they can handle life. They said that in a nice, caring way of course so I know it’s for my benefit (of course). I should just forget about the ex because he’s a piece of shit anyways, ‘like every other guy’. They didn’t care that I dated him for over a year, that I knew all about his life more than them, that we broke up not over another girl but simply because life wasn’t being too nice to him too. So yes, maybe I just hurt myself to look for attention. I need to find the maturity somehow so I stop being weak and pathetic.

I’m just ranting right now because honestly I don’t get why people treat mental illness like it’s an illusion. They didn’t even take me seriously when I said I wanted to kill myself. When I told them I got help and will be seeing a therapist, they laughed at me telling me how much of a waste of time psychologists are and how I just need a great friend and my family to be able to feel better. That my medications are actually making me more insane. It’s sad and if I am feeling normal I would feel sad for the way they think but it just makes me feel more of a failure than I already am. I just quit that job and have a new one now and I finally found closure with the breakup. I’m not healed yet but in a way I feel better. I’m gonna get help. I’m doing my best not to hurt myself anymore. I just wish with this next chapter in my life I encounter people who doesn’t stigmatize mental health and instead, tries to learn more about it and help raise awareness.

At the end of the day I know what I feel and I know that this sadness is not something that I can rationalize myself and make it go away. Maybe tomorrow I’m gonna wake up better but before that, I pray that those people will open their minds and not dismiss anyone with this problem.

2 thoughts on ““Depression”

  1. Lena G says:

    Just came across your blog kind of by accident. I was looking up ways to receive ARCs and the first one to pop up fmwas from 2015 and yours was the first comment. I thought your blog title was cool and came to check it out. My first read was this one and I felt compelled to say that your work “big sisters” are big shits. I have been fortunate to not have experienced depression but my 17 year old daughter has. I’ll admit that there are times where I think she needs to get involved in something and that it may help. However, I work very hard to understand (as much as one could understand depression) and to be sensitive to what she needs and to be supportive. I’m sad that your “friends” aren’t doing that for you. Anyway, I dintend have much to say but felt that I must say something. You are not alone and there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help. You haven’t posted in a while so I hope that all is ok.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tornpagesandroses says:

      Hello! Thank you so much for the message, that is so sweet of you 🙂 I am glad to tell you that after some time I am getting on better! Granted it took some increase in dosage of my antidepressants and quite a bit of crying but in the end I could say that it all worked out. I have also since changed jobs and that honestly is the biggest reason for my quick recovery I’d have to say. I didn’t realize how toxic that workplace was for me and being away from it gave me so much clarity and room to heal. I wish further healing for your daughter and thank you for trying to understand her and being patient with her because it helps so much, I know she loves you more for that. I know it’s hard sometimes but it’s not the end and I know she will get better. Cheers to you guys 😀

      Like

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